Little Black Book

Last month I received a pretty slick-looking direct mail advertisement from a popular men’s magazine (not that magazine. I know what you’re thinking, but those ads don’t make it past the burn pile). The promotion came with 20 pages of content in glorious color as well as text in a classic Helvetica font. The ad was an offer to purchase this “useful” (their word) monthly magazine and enjoy the benefits of the publisher’s book of man-centric wisdom that arrives free with each paid subscription. This is a book chock full of moves every guy should know, apparently. On one page a nude model sits cross-legged framed by a description of how precisely the book of guy goodies will win you this woman through its teaching of sexual techniques perfected by copy writers (most likely sitting jammed into cubicles at publishing houses where, let’s face it, most great bedroom wisdom of the present age comes from). Offers of one slim volume of manly advice on how to win over any woman and spark  sexual relationships are hard to ignore. For the married man the lure may be all the more tempting. We can argue ourselves into denial which is remarkably shaped like a naked, cross-legged model.  The only hitch in the pitch is that as married men we’ve already got a timeless book of wisdom for men, authored by the creator of the marriage bed. God hasn’t had to edit his copy in a cubicle yet and he gives all the advice in the Bible, his inspired word, that a man could ever want. Here is just a little of what God’s Word offers men without even the requirement of mailing back a subscription card:

” ‘Everything is permissible for me’-but not everything is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible for me’-but I will not be mastered by anything. ‘Food for the stomach and the stomach for food’-but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. -1 Corinthians 6, verses 12-13. Verse 18-20 go on to say “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins are committed outside of the body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Sure, it may be as easy to have fantastic sexual conquests as sending back a magazine card. but the price of socially acceptable pornography doesn’t factor in the cost of broken marital relationships, lost sexual intimacy in the marriage bed and shattered trust. I’ll take the Bible’s approach to “man wisdom.”

The Teenage Years: Lord, save me now!

This topic has been on my heart for awhile lately. I don’t know if it’s because my oldest just turned 18 or the fact that he was on his way out the door to attend college or the fact that our other one is close behind?! FREEDOM, right?!  Not sure. Maybe it’s the fact that I can visibly SEE gray hair! (Yikes!!)

A few weeks back, our Marriage group covered raising kids from “Marriage on the Rock”. It was pretty eye opening and a great reminder to me how important it is to have a solid understanding with our spouses on how to raise our children. We were reminded that our marriage relationship comes before our relationship with our kids and we have to be a team in this endeavor. God intended it to be this way for a reason. It puts a whole new spin on “when two are gathered in my name”, huh? We need double the strength sometimes to deal with our offspring!

You know, I think back to when our kids were younger; we prayed and prayed to God to guide us in raising them, to give us the patience to understand them, and to give us the ability to be a Godly example to them.  We prayed that they would learn the infamous “Bible Song” and that they would go a whole service without screaming out something that would cause you to run out of the church! Our kids have grown up in the church and these were some of my concerns for them!  However, as they get older, it is so obvious that our prayers for them changed.

As they got into their tween years, Bob and I prayed feverishly that they would learn to love and obey Jesus. We prayed that they would learn to trust His word and to fully understand that Jesus died on the cross for THEIR own sins and with that, came the charge of trying to live righteously and honoring God in everything that they did.  The Lord did provide as Jon and Jessi accepted Christ and were baptized about 2 years ago! We have been blessed because God has delivered us from the pains of raising little replicas of ourselves!  Now, as I said in the beginning of this, our son is 18 now and approaching the reality of “real” life. Getting a job, a license, a car and making huge choices about his education and college.

Big changes are happening to him, not only physically, but emotionally, spiritually and economically. His voice is deeper, he speaks less frequently, unless he is forced to by tickling (yes, I still do it) and he has hair on his back!!! (Ok, keep that one between you and me) Emotionally, he is facing the reality of having to make choices that possibly are not up to the same par as some of his peers at school or facing the reality that he would like to fit in the category of “dating” like the rest of his friends. He also has taken on a big responsibility to watch out for his sister. Spiritually he faces the fact that he himself is solely responsible for his relationship with God and that he stands in a leadership role within our church as a worship musician and a D-Group leader, so a lot of people are looking up to him. Economically, well… Mom and Dad are not going to continue paying for everything as he approaches adulthood head on!

With all these changes, just as we used to rely on God to guide us in raising them, at this point, our prayers have changed. We are now asking God that he remembers the values that we instilled in him. We pray that he knows to make the right choices when it comes to the peer pressure at school and most importantly, we pray that he understands that his relationship with God comes before anything else. We pray that he learns what hard work is and that in all he does, realizing that only God brought him through it. We pray that when it is time for him to think about his future, he will trust it in God’s hands and trust where our Father leads him. We pray that when it is his time to find his “Eve”, that he will learn to love her because of her own love for Jesus and his bride will respect him for his love for their God as well.

God willing, we have been the best examples for them.  I love my children with a fire in me, they are amazing human beings. We can guide them and lead them and pray along the way that they leave any bad and fly with all the good! That is all we can do, guide them, train them to fear the Lord and then give them back. I’m sure down the road; I’ll have new prayers for God. I’ll be praying for the strength to let them go when I need to, to allow them to make mistakes and not run to their aid right way or to take the 2^nd or 3^rd spot of importance in their lives at some point. Our kids are only on loan to us, we teach them the ways of the Lord and then we set them free.  I’m starting to realize the setting free part is not as easy as I thought.

Romy Ingels

Why do we rob and neglect Jesus??

Over the last 10 weeks we have taken a deep look into scripture and looked at what a marriage based on the Rock is all about. That Rock is Jesus!! But, the teachings have been hard and for some couples. See, they know that Jesus comes first, they know that they need to make time to walk with Him daily and live in His ways. But, life gets in the way, today people are just too busy, right?? Maybe there’s sin that has put up a wall miles high and we can’t feel Him and reach Him, we think. Or maybe this Jesus person sounds good, but do we really need to place Him first? Surely, if He loves us He’ll understand why we only seek Him once in a while.

LIES!!

One thing that gets me is that people struggle spending time with Jesus, they struggle making time for Jesus in their busy lives. The problem is wrong thinking about Him. We get up everyday and report to someone, our spouse, kids and a boss. With these people we would never go days, weeks, years with out seeing them and do everything they ask of us. If you work, everyday you go to work on time, you do your job faithfully. Why? Because you need the job to live and you also have to make that job a priority and obey your boss in order to keep it. You wouldn’t show up everyday late or skip it because there’s a price to pay. The simple fact, there is a real person you have to report to and you fear that.

But Jesus, the living God, who died for you, the one who can free you, heal you, provide for you and the one who can give you eternal life, forgive all your sins and heal every single bit of brokenness in your life, you treat with less respect and less fear?? I believe it’s because we don’t see Him face to face, we don’t walk into a physical room where He is at and report to Him. But, Jesus is Omnipresent, He is in every room you are in, in every space, no matter how big or how small. He is there standing by you right now, can you feel Him?

Jeremiah 23:24 (ESV) ²⁴ Can a man hide himself in secret places so that I cannot see him? declares the Lord.  Do I not fill heaven and earth? declares the Lord.

What are you doing this very second? Say, hello Lord because He’s there!!

Our lack of time with Jesus sometimes carries over into our giving, God asks of us to give back our first fruits, “bring me the whole tithe!”. We all pay bills, we have mortgages, utility bills, credit cards, loans, cars and other things that we pay faithfully because if we don’t there is a price to pay, like loosing the house. Yet, we rob God of what belongs to Him. Many times we don’t give because we are too wrapped up in paying for things that will perish. Yet, paying into building the Kingdom is less important?? The things you pay for, what reward do you get from them?? God says…

Malachi 3:10 (ESV)¹⁰ Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby  put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need.

You don’t want that??? When was the last time a bill collector told you that?? Or that new item you had to have, can it do that for you?? Now, I’m not saying don’t pay your bills! The Bible teaches give Ceaser what belongs to Ceaser. What I’m saying is, we need to become good stewards of what God has blessed us with and seek first the Kingdom. We need to setup our lives so that first fruits and best go to God.

The sad truth, we rob Him and neglect Him and yet when we need Him, we expect Him to deliver. We need to start living eternally and focus on Heaven. Everything we work so hard for in this life will die and one day you’ll wake up and it will be all gone. Yet, Jesus will still be there for all of days forever and ever, He will reign as King and have a place for those who seek Him first and build His kingdom.

Jesus is Lord!!!

Bob

Getting Real Rest

Pastor Ryan at The Southeast Project wrote a great piece on his blog that doesn’t necessarily have to do with marriage, but is a great lesson to enjoy anyway…

Silence

Drink Up!

In our marriage group at church, we are going through Marriage on the Rock, with Jimmy Evans. Just this week we learned that all of us have needs that can’t be met by humans; acceptance, identity, security, and purpose. Those deepest needs can only be met by God. He referenced John 4:13-14, saying  ”Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” . If we keep trying to have our deepest needs met by other imperfect people, we are taking water from a finite, impure well; and  we will be continually disappointed, thirsty. We are reminded that unless we go to Jesus to have our deepest needs met, we will invariably try to tap the source of others, usually our spouse, to try to satisfy that thirst. Mere humans are wholly unequipped to do so, and trying to will only sap our loved one’s energy and possibly their joy from them.

Psalm 1:3 reminds us, though, that we must remain close to God in order to bear fruit and provide shade; to meet the needs of others. Yes, it helps us to be a more healthy tree. But it taught me to me less selfish. It’s not about me being healthy for me, it’s about me being healthy so I can be prepared to energetically be Christ to others.

So drink up. The water that meets your needs for acceptance, identity, security, and purpose also strengthens you to provide shade and bear fruit to minister to others.

P.C.

There have been small rumblings as we’ve gone forward in the Marriage on the Rock course that author Jimmy Evans is a bit sexist. I’ve considered this while reading the material and discussing the video presentations. What emerges if you thoughtfully look past the surface, past Jimmy’s straightforward manner, is a message reaching the very heart of modern marriage. The message, seemingly politically incorrect for this era and an insult to every so-called “liberated” marriage partner, is that men are called upon to take charge of their married lives and  homes. The message here isn’t that wives return to a life in June Cleaver’s pearls and pumps, but that women become more than just spouses. Any man or woman of consenting age can become a “spouse.” This is a legal term. To be a husband and wife is an altogether rarer treasure, often buried under the junk that the politically correct age piles up.

Reading into Marriage on the Rock uncovers all kinds of notions which might be perceived as sexist. In chapter 13, for instance, Evans asks wives to be themselves rather than trying to adhere to the standard of beauty that women are often judged by. This comes at a time when Sports Illustrated cover model Kate Upton has been referred to as “overweight.” The author instructs husbands to be leaders in providing for the family. This isn’t a command to go out in a loincloth and hunt Wholly Mammoths with a club. The instruction is a push to men living at a time when value is placed on living as if college never ended. The world has enough boys. A genuine man, both husband and father, is of infinite value. The genuine husband not only looks out for the financial needs of his family, but is a leader and provider of stability. He is the head of the household the God has granted him. Part of the radical idea Evans puts forth in the book, that wives are to make a good home for their husbands, comes from the even more radical notion that making a good home is more than just hot meals, throw pillows and a genial bedroom atmosphere. Part of making a home for the husband means believing in the capabilities God has blessed him with and following the strong leadership he provides. By the way, Jimmy Evans didn’t exactly invent these un-politically correct ideas. These are straight from God’s word. Example?

     This was Peter’s commission to early believers of Christ.

     Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the Word, they may too be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity of and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry  and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of  a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.      Husbands in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

1 Peter 3: 1-7. Sexist? Un-p.c.? No, just God’s way of letting husbands and wives know that marriage is more than mere spouse-hood.

Marriage on the Rock, the 1/2 way point.

We have hit the 1/2 way point in the Marriage on the Rock study series. We have spent the last 5 weeks talking about our faith and marriage and how they go hand in hand. The first 4 weeks we talked about the 4 Foundational Laws of Marriage and last week we talked about “the most important issue in marriage”.

I’ll start there, the number one most important issue in marriage is our walk with Christ. Jesus is the answer and the way that everything either works or does not. When we are not walking with Jesus daily, many sins creep up and our sinful nature takes over. One major sin is selfishness and it makes it very hard to live the life and marriage God created for us. When we surrender our lives to Christ and make every effort to live in Him and walk daily with Him, we have the power to die to self, take up our cross and live in the fruits of the spirit. Those fruits make it a lot easier to live the life God wants us to. The more I grow in Christ, the more I’m able to understand what Christ’s love is and how to extend it to Romy. I now know after almost 19 years, that a marriage based in Christ is a marriage that works, lasts and grows. Jesus is the only way! Further proof are the changes going on in the couples who are also taking their walks serious and finding renewed fire for God and each other, giving their lives to Christ, getting baptized this month and even ending divorce talks. Jesus heals broken marriages in a way that nothing else can. He is the bread of life and the living water that we need so very much.

Genesis 2:24(ESV)

²⁴ Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

In Genesis 2:24 we find God’s foundation for marriage and in this powerful scripture we find 4 laws: the law of priority, pursuit, possession and purity.

The one I’m going to focus on is the law of pursuit, I believe this one is the most important because with out it, we will not live in the others. In this scripture I see God saying I need to “hold fast” to Romy, another way of saying it, is to “cleave” to Romy. It really means I’m going to pursue her with everything I have, pursue her with great energy and to cling to her zealously. I have to spend my days chasing after the love of my wife and to make sure I put nothing before her except God.

When we dated many years ago, I would go out of my way to win her, I’d be overly romantic, I’d do things I didn’t want to do like walk around holding hands, showing PDA’s (public displays of affection) I’d dress nicer, find better dates, a long list of things to show her I was serious. I wasn’t a romantic or touchy feely kinda guy. But, when we got married I started to not do those things because for some foolish reason, I thought I have her, there’s nothing else to do. It didn’t take long before we felt like “two ships passing in the night” out of love. The truth is, we didn’t fall out of love more than out of repentance. I stopped holding fast and pursuing her. At this point most couples have an affair and get a divorce thinking there’s no hope. When you stop working at it, it will stop working for you. I repented and I remembered the first days, I knew I loved Romy, I just needed to go after it again. I started chasing after her, going out of my way to learn new things about her and to love her in ways meaningful to her. It has saved my marriage many times to stay in the pursuit, because we change as people year after year. It really means to be living in the law of pursuit gives us a chance to grow and renew as the years pass. In life we pursue many things we love or believe in, our spouse needs to be first over all of it, except God and the two of them need to be the places we put all of our energy.

I have learned that my walk with God and marriage go hand in hand, I have to pursue after God everyday, by praying to Him and getting into the Word. I have to go after the food that really matters. Just like marriage, the first day that we make so grand, be it the wedding day or the day we get saved is not an end, it’s the beginning of a race we need to run to completion and in that race, we have to put in the work and chase after the goal. To have a deep life changing walk with God that leads to heaven, takes living a life of pursuit for the presence of God in our lives. To life a happy, fulfilling, loving marriage that also leads heaven bound, takes a life of pursuit for the love of my wife. As God’s mercies are new everyday, so is the love of my marriage. Each day is a new start and a chance to do greater things, remembering our actions speak louder than our lips.

Live a life of pursuit, in it you’ll find who you really are and God’s will for your life and everyday you’ll be closer to who He created you to be.

Ask yourself today, “What pursuit am I really on?”

Bob

Checkers

Kim and I are frequent customers at our local Cracker Barrel. When our son is with us, he and I sometimes engage in a few friendly games of checkers while waiting for our meal. Checkers is a wonderful game, requiring vision and planning, and…you’re wondering how this has anything to do with marriage. Hang on, it’s coming…

In the proper game of checkers, there is one rule that makes the game as interesting as it is. You see, unlike in chess, where you can choose whether or not to capture an opponent’s piece; in checkers, you must take a jump if made available by your adversary. So the trick is to sacrifice your piece so as to make it advantageous to you.

Now when we were kids, especially if we were losing, rules became very… flexible, often midgame. First, EVERYONE thought you could choose to not take a jump. Then you had flying jumps, kings moving as far as they wanted in one direction, and of course there was the ever-popular do-over. So the fact is we were never really playing checkers…we were simply playing at checkers, and at least one of us left the table frustrated or angry.

Many couples do that with marriage. As in checkers, many don’t know the rules. Even if they do, they still try to change them if their expectations of a “happy marriage” aren’t panning out. And don’t we always try to change the rules to meet our own needs? How many couples aren’t truly enjoying marriage, but instead are “playing at marriage”, again usually leaving at least one of them to leave the table frustrated or angry.

So what are the rules of marriage?

Let’s take a look at our main scripture readings in class so far:

Genesis 2:24

²⁴ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

and in Ephesians 5

²² Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing^[b] her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

These are the rules of marriage. God created marriage to be enjoyed as an integral part of life as His child. If we follow the rules he wrote for its enjoyment, and the laws inherent in them: Priority, Pursuit, Possession, and Purity (if you’re not in the current class, Marriage on the Rock, get the book. It’s incredible, and I’m lobbying to offer the class again – NM), then we are well on our way to enjoy marriage as our loving God designed it.

So, if you want to play this game, remember…you must take the jump. But remember, your spouse is not your adversary, they are your partner. So the trick is to sacrifice your self so as to make it advantageous to you… both.

Countdown to V-day…This One’s for the Guys

With the advent of Valentine’s Day also comes the expectation that we men are all fools. Not that we are all brilliant when it comes to being “romantic”, far from it. We just can’t figure out what it means. At least not from all those jewelry and candy commercials. Worse, we guys are stuck in a catch-22 because even if we get the gift right,we later get tagged with “you only did that because it was Valentine’s Day”! What gives?

Guys, I have the answer.

Jimmy Evans gave me a moment of clarity this week in his talk on meeting our wives’ needs in the Marriage on the Rock series. He defined romance as meeting an unspoken need. Valentine’s Day gifts, then, by that definition can never be romantic, because Valentine’s Day is a global “speaking of the needs” of affection, non-sexual touch, and communication. Don’t misstep here, guys. This doesn’t mean you skimp out on V-Day. No way. Now that you understand what Valentine’s Day is, you cannot afford to ignore what is understood now as a clear verbal, traditional, not too vaguely hinted at (if not overly commercialized) request for you to meet those needs. Remember a woman’s four basic needs. Be affectionate, communicate openly, make her feel secure, and lead her through an evening that she will enjoy. Satisfy all of those four basic needs for your wife on that day, and she will appreciate it. She might even call you “romantic”.

Don’t blow it by correcting her. Just say thank you and smile, knowing that your aspiration to achieve true romance must be planned for another day, unexpected…unspoken.

First Church Celebrates National Marriage Week February 7-14

Do you remember what it was like when you first fell in love? Do you remember the desire to spend time with each other? Nothing could come between you and a date with the person you love! This February we celebrate National Marriage Week—a time for all married couples to renew the connections we have with our spouses.

Will You Take the Date Night Challenge?

As part of a national movement to see 5,000,000 dates happen February 7-29, First Church Marriage Ministry is asking each married couple to commit to 3 dates during this time. Not business meetings. Not talk-about-the-children time. Not church activities. Dates. Go out and have fun! Talk and re-connect. Enjoy each other’s company! Let’s all work toward building/maintaining healthy marriages at First Church!

Let’s Make It Fun!

The Marriage Ministry team has created idea bags with some fun ideas for a date night with your spouse. There are 3 different ideas to choose from for 3 different date nights. Couples may pick bags up in the Gathering Area of our SJ campus beginning the weekend of February 4/5.

Need a Babysitter?

On February, 10, 11, & 24, 6-9pm, our high school ministry will provide Babysitting services on a first-come/first-served basis. Cost is $20 for the night for one child plus $5 for each additional child. All proceeds go toward helping fund high school students’ trip to International Youth Convention in Colorado.

Let Us Know How It Went…

If you had a great time on your date night out, leave a reply to share with us a tidbit to encourage other couples to take the challenge as well.

Enjoy!!